My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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