So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
