You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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