if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
