I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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