forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Semen is not good for contacts.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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