I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
