my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
there is glitter all over my balls
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