Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
