i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
