So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
