His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
