Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
