I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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