he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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