She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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