i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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