dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
