Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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