I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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