Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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