Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
