so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
