I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
