If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
