I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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