Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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