i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
