There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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