some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
