I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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