If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
