Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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