Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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