Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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