Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
