I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
