if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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