You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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