so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
