Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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