I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
