shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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