Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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