One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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