Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
