i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
