you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Randomize
