Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
