I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
