I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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