there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
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You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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