My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
