Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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