lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm always down for nudity.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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