I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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