i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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