whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
