got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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