Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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