im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
