I just pynch a tree in the face
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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