my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
