I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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