I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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