Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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